A Modest Proposal from a Modest Young Adult

By: Jared Kirley, Sam Fineo, Kishan Patel, Seren Jagars, and Fatim Smith


It is a melancholy object to children who watch their parents, mothers and fathers, buy useless machinery and unnecessary indulgences that ultimately prove to be harmful. They waste away their money; I wonder whether I’ll even be able to fulfill my education and acquire a stable career. These adults choose to bring us into this world, but leave us stranded financially and emotionally. As the future of our society, the weight of the world lays on our shoulders while the adults grasp onto the arms, back, and heels of their children.

If anybody could tell me how these adults could be useful members of our society, apart from performing the necessary occupations to the functioning of the nation, I’ll literally build a statue in their honor.

As I write to you, dear readers, sitting at my usual seat in Starbucks, I find myself drawing up the perfect scenario. Like, haven’t you ever just had the most brilliant idea, and realized you’re literally a genius?

Obviously, not all adults are bad. We need some of them to do the jobs the rest of us don’t want to. For example, if you asked ME to maintain sewer lines, I’d literally kill myself. And think about it; all those old poor people that kept alive through the unnecessary means until they’re like stinky and decrepit. Totally gross. If we could assign the majority of the population of adults to larger issues of our nation, we could accomplish so many things and like, maybe solve all the economic problems in our society. Unfortunately, the disabled and diseased won’t be very useful. Since they can’t perform the majority of work necessary to keeping the country alive and stable, who needs em?

However, the average adult; living perfectly healthy, with a steady salary each year could benefit the nation in multiple ways. Those with upper body strength could be used for the physical labor, and adults with a higher IQ and decent work ethic can be used for jobs requiring science and mathematics. Together, the combination of logic and labor could create something special; Something that could lower the nation's debt, and more importantly, my level of annoyance with my parents.

Now, I’d like to finally propose my idea. Get this. Imagine waking up the morning alone with your siblings and just your siblings. You may be wondering where your parents are, but that thought will soon be long gone. All healthy adults over 40 would be set to work either performing tasks to maintain the smooth running of our country, or sent to predetermined districts to be used to obtain natural resources, manufacture products for the rest of the nation, and construct miles of solar panels. By making these solar fields, also known as a solar array, the government could reduce spending on environmentally damaging fuel sources, and put that money towards something useful like a better place. By using solar electricity, our economy could flourish.

Finding a job in today’s economy is such a buzzkill. As if it wasn’t annoying enough having to work weekends, it’s also super hard. And why is it so hard? Simple answer- adults.

They’re literal antiques; They are hogging all the good jobs and making better salaries. They’re making it incredibly hard to obtain a steady wage that's realistic to live off of. Which I find sooo funny because baby boomers are always claiming “when I was your age I was twice as successful.” No duh, Grandpa. The cost of living and education was a lot cheaper back then. It’s been proven that my generation has shaped an technological revolution and are more educated than previous generations; So somebody please explain why I should have to struggle to find employment?! Moving the adults away will allow the smarter and younger generation to gain access into good companies and get jobs where their pay is much better and efficient. In fact, did you know that young adult workers today earn $10,000 less than young adults did in 1989. I'm not really that good at math or anything but that's almost like a 20 percent decrease.

In a way, it’s as if we aren't even adults! Most 30 year olds still live with their parents, but I don't blame them; I blame the parents who are most likely to be baby boomers . The baby boomers have made it difficult for us to hit huge milestones in life like buying a house, getting married and starting a family. All of this is due to the burden of student debt. And hey, I'm not here to bash education, it’s just like so ridiculously expensive. I’m just saying: if our parents, who grew up during a prosperous generation, had bothered to be smart with their money and our economy, maybe we wouldn't have to bury ourselves in student debt to get a college education.

They call us spoiled and entitled? Yet baby boomers inherited a wealthy, powerful country that was growing with innovations and new ways of life specifically to compensate for the enormous growth in population, and have left it in pieces with aggressive spending, supporting two wars with deficits, ignoring climate change, continuously cutting their own taxes and ruining the economy. They have left future generations to clean up the mess that they have created, and then have the nerve to blame us. They continued to borrow money without any concerns for future burden, they have basically spent all of our money and assets on themselves and in the process have left a financial disaster for their children.

I’m sure you can see the beauty of my idea and how beneficial it’ll be to our economy. Though moving away the majority of adults sounds bizarre and unreal, the advantages in doing so outweigh any issues my plan could stumble across. After removal of diseased and disabled individuals, the normal adults can be put to use for bettering not just our economy but our country as a whole. Minor problems can always be fixed; we can handle something small. The adults are a major problem. By following through on my plan, we’re making the world a better place. Also, if we are being honest, adults are beyond irritating to listen to.

Disclaimer: All refereneces to self-harm and bodily damage is purily satirical in every instance and form. No persons were harmed in the creation of this. Do not try this at home. We are what you call, proffessionals.

Made by the one and only... Jared Kirley